I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
