I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This can only be settled by a dance off.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
