I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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