I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
