don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
