Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
