Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
