my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
