9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
