i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she looked like the before picture.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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