Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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