I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
