when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
