I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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