I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
