He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
