ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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