When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
