Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
