2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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