its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
