Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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