Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
