Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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