I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
