well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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