you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
