Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
