Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
