i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
