I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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