He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The uberlube is also flammable
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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