i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
