he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
