I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
