i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Did I show you my penis last night?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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