I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
