I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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