I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
