Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
