I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
