Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
