I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
