I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
