If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
