NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
