so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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