I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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