it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
