umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
