I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
