why didn't you poke me back
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
