P.S. I can't hear my feet
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
