i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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